It's not a question!

(Okay, so this ended up being way longer than what it looked like in my head, so if you can't hang with me on this I totally get it.  And. . . I'm hitting that publish button anyway.)

I've been sitting on this post for quiet some time now and it just so happens that I have a minute to get it out of my head and into this blog.

How many people actually know realize and understand the fact that the words "I Love You" are not a question?  This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves.  Definitely something that will get my feathers ruffled! 

I remember teaching this to my son when he was just in first grade.  He was surrounded by people doting over him all the time.  I mean really?  How could you just not dote over that sweet little toe head with the sweetest smile in the world?  However, certain people there were people in our lives that would just drop those three precious words around like it was a greeting or a salutation.  Many times with a tone of a question mark at the end.  This left my son thinking that the "correct" response was to say "Love you too".  It broke my heart as I would watch him say those words and see something totally different on his face and in his mannerisms. It didn't take long to convince him that it was okay to not say it back just because he thought that was the "right" response.  It was not rude or mean or unkind, or any of those things.  It was okay to simply say "Thank you". 

I wish that someone had taught me that as a child.  I was just as he was.  I thought that was what I was "supposed" to say.  Kinda like when someone says, "Hi, how are you?" you return that question with something like, "I am well, how are you?".  Even though many people who ask that question also don't really want to know the REAL answer.  It is just a polite greeting.  This makes me wonder why we ask questions we don't really want to know the answer to or don't have the time or energy to listen to.  Or why do people say "I love you" expecting to hear those words in return.  Do you REALLY love the person you are saying it to?  Have those words lost their meaning?  For me those words are sacred.  Something that only comes across my lips if I truly mean them from my heart as well as feeling them. 

I mean really?  There are many perpetrators out there that will tell you they love you, right before they take advantage of you.  Sometimes it's how they lure you in, convincing you of their love.  That is NOT love at all! 

Then there are those moments when you just aren't feeling it.  You may love that person, but just not feeling it at the time.  For example, maybe I am spending the day with my lovely sister whom I love dearly and am so thankful that I have an amazing relationship with.  She is one of my best friends which in itself is a full blown miracle!  But lets say, just for example, that she is getting on my last nerve and she randomly tells me "I love you".  She may have just prior to saying that, said something to make me mad, or it may just be that I've had my fill of her for the day and there is no more energy left in me.  I may not be "feeling" it with her right now.  What if we just had a disagreement and just maybe it was a little heated.  It doesn't mean that I don't love her.  But if she were to say those words at that particular moment, I may not be feeling it.  Yes, I love her, yes, she is still my BFF, AND, just because she said it first doesn't mean I have to reciprocate it.  (And just for clarification sake, I DO love my sister and using her in this blog is simply hypothetical.)

There is also the fact that those words can be used so often that they lose their meaning.  What is your motive for saying them.  Are you looking for a particular response?  Are you wanting the person you are saying them to, to say those words back to you?  If so then you are just saying them for selfish reasons.  You aren't making an exclamation of your love, you are asking a question. A question with an expected answer, one that will curb your own insecurities.  Hmmmm. . . now there's something to think about. 

There are so many ways to let a person know you love them.  Love is an emotion, a feeling.  The words "I love you" are an expression of that emotion.  Not the ONLY expression of that emotion, mind you.  There are many ways to express to someone that you love them.  Sometimes Most simply saying the words is not enough.  They have been tossed around so often for so long they have lost meaning.  People don't simply believe the statement "I Love You" if you are SHOWING that love in your actions. 

So then that presents another question.  How do you SHOW love.  I think the answer to that is different for everyone.  Some of us need attention, some need praise, some need tangible "things", others need physical touch.  For some it might just be that someone gives you a day off from house work and THEY do the housework for you. 
You "show" love (the emotion), by giving respect, mutuality, listening (really listening), complimenting, giving a gift for no special reason at all.  There are so many other ways to show someone you love them.  I think what gets me is that when you love someone you do these things without expectations.  You do them simply because you love them, because you want them to KNOW and feel without a doubt that you love them.  And in that "knowing" they will "FEEL" that you love them.  That in itself to me, is way better than just hearing the words.

Now, don't get me wrong.  It is nice to hear it.  I love it when the love of my life looks me in the eye and tells me "I Love You!"  Making it an exclamation, not a question.  That is as simple as changing the tone and pitch of your voice as you say it.  Be careful if you are an "I Love You?" person.  You may have to actually practice this a little, because it just might sound a little strained or fake at first.  And the more you stay connected to making it an exclamation without expectation, the better you will get at it.  It doesn't mean that you don't mean it, because it is hard at first.  It just means that you are retraining your mind and voice to believe that you don't have to hear it back to be okay.  You can say those words to the one you love and still know they do love you even if they don't say them in return. Everyone likes to hear them, that is true, and hopefully if you are not hearing them you still feel that love in return.  I think it is all about balance here.

It's really those insecure people that get me.  You know the ones.  That say I love you two dozen times a day, or maybe even two dozen times in a two hour period.  It's those people that suck the energy out of me.  Please don't expect me to just mirror back to you what you are saying, simply because you are afraid you are not loved.  Or maybe it's because you are not feeling you are lovable?  Who knows.  What I do know is that when I am that person saying it just to hear it back, I find myself saying it more than usual and catch myself expecting a response, it is because I'm not loving myself very much.  Or maybe just feeling a little co-dependent. ( Did I just say that out loud?  Oh my. . . .  .)  Either way, it's not very healthy.

The sweetest thing is to have a relationship that you just know.  You can look into the other person's eyes and actually see the love they have for you.  And I'm not just talking about a romantic kind of love.  A mother can look into the eyes of their child and you can just see the love pouring out over that child.  Sometimes it can be the same way in a platonic friendship situation.  I have friends that I love dearly.  I don't have to tell them 15 times a day that I love them.  I also don't have to hear it from them equally as often.  They will know I love them and I will know they love me, by the way they treat me or I treat them.  So, I guess in a sense, love is an emotion, and it's also an action. 

Love is as simple as it is complex.  There are many different kinds of love.  There are even more ways to express that love.  Find what works for you AND for the person you are expressing it to.  Learn their love language so to speak.  It will open a whole new if you can actually get and understand those 4 previous sentences. 
Think of how different the world would be if people didn't say "I Love You?" with expectation and instead said "I Love You!" as an exclamation.  

Okay, so I feel like I rambled a little in this one, but I'm posting it anyway.  I'm not even sure it came out the same way it was in my head for the past month or so that I have been pondering this.  I hope it made sense to someone, and if it didn't then I guess it was just for me to process. 
What I do know is that if I tell you I love you. . . . you better know that it came straight from the depth of my heart.  I won't say something I don't truly mean.  And I won't expect you to tell me in return.  (even though it does feel good to hear them).  What I would like more is to feel the emotions reciprocated, but only if you really have them. 

I kinda like this site.  Take a peek, answer a few quick questions.  Find out what YOUR love language is.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this as I continue to process this a little more.