Resolution. . . Not this year

Nope, not gonna do it.  I'm not going to have a New Year's Resolution.  Having a New Year's Resolution is just like setting myself up for failure.  I'm not going to "Resolve" to loose weight, to go to the gym, to work less, to be nicer, to stop drinking Diet Coke before bedtime.  Nope, not me!  I won't be the girl this time NEXT year that is choosing the SAME resolution yet again, because I failed to keep this one.  I'm not going to set myself up to gain 10 lbs, buy a home gym that won't get used, to feel sorry for myself when I have to work a day or two overtime, or deprive myself of my favorite dark bubbly caffeinated drink.

Instead, I am choosing to this whole resolution thing differently.  I am choosing just one word.  This will be the word of the year for me.  A word to help me remember who I am and what I am about.  A word that will remind me of who I want to be as a whole being in this world.  I am not going to choose it today, you know since it IS New Year's Eve and all.  Nope, I'm going to sit on this for a week or two.  Then I'll let everyone know what I choose as soon as I try out a few words on my list.  Ya know, I'm not gonna commit to a word and then see that it doesn't fit just right.  I'm gonna try it on for size (and hopefully it will fit better than those jeans I'm gonna have to return today) be sure it's the right word.  I have a few words swimming around in my head.  These words describe the person I want to be.  I can not choose them all at one time, so I am going to simply choose one.  What I think will happen is that I will choose the one word from my list and as I work practice each day to remember that word and to "live" that word, the rest of those descriptive words that describe who I want to be in this life, will start to come out to play and it will just be something that will unfold itself. 

Yes, I am declaring. . . . . 2011 is going to be an amazing year.  This year is going to be different for me.  It is going to be a year of expectation, adventure, new beginnings, new friendships, realizations, opportunity,  pure happiness, travel, contentment.  Yep, my friend 2011 is going to be for me,  a year of just plain wonderfulness. 



So I will leave you with just one picture today. . . . I loved taking this shot.  I did photo shop it just a little, and it's not perfect, (however I may go back in and work on that).  I'm still learning this photo shop thing.  And I am still in love with this photo!  This is from our vacation to Southern California this past May.  Probably one of my favorite vacations ever.  My favorite I think mostly, just because of the adventure of it. 

Have a safe and Happy New Year!!!

It's not a question!

(Okay, so this ended up being way longer than what it looked like in my head, so if you can't hang with me on this I totally get it.  And. . . I'm hitting that publish button anyway.)

I've been sitting on this post for quiet some time now and it just so happens that I have a minute to get it out of my head and into this blog.

How many people actually know realize and understand the fact that the words "I Love You" are not a question?  This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves.  Definitely something that will get my feathers ruffled! 

I remember teaching this to my son when he was just in first grade.  He was surrounded by people doting over him all the time.  I mean really?  How could you just not dote over that sweet little toe head with the sweetest smile in the world?  However, certain people there were people in our lives that would just drop those three precious words around like it was a greeting or a salutation.  Many times with a tone of a question mark at the end.  This left my son thinking that the "correct" response was to say "Love you too".  It broke my heart as I would watch him say those words and see something totally different on his face and in his mannerisms. It didn't take long to convince him that it was okay to not say it back just because he thought that was the "right" response.  It was not rude or mean or unkind, or any of those things.  It was okay to simply say "Thank you". 

I wish that someone had taught me that as a child.  I was just as he was.  I thought that was what I was "supposed" to say.  Kinda like when someone says, "Hi, how are you?" you return that question with something like, "I am well, how are you?".  Even though many people who ask that question also don't really want to know the REAL answer.  It is just a polite greeting.  This makes me wonder why we ask questions we don't really want to know the answer to or don't have the time or energy to listen to.  Or why do people say "I love you" expecting to hear those words in return.  Do you REALLY love the person you are saying it to?  Have those words lost their meaning?  For me those words are sacred.  Something that only comes across my lips if I truly mean them from my heart as well as feeling them. 

I mean really?  There are many perpetrators out there that will tell you they love you, right before they take advantage of you.  Sometimes it's how they lure you in, convincing you of their love.  That is NOT love at all! 

Then there are those moments when you just aren't feeling it.  You may love that person, but just not feeling it at the time.  For example, maybe I am spending the day with my lovely sister whom I love dearly and am so thankful that I have an amazing relationship with.  She is one of my best friends which in itself is a full blown miracle!  But lets say, just for example, that she is getting on my last nerve and she randomly tells me "I love you".  She may have just prior to saying that, said something to make me mad, or it may just be that I've had my fill of her for the day and there is no more energy left in me.  I may not be "feeling" it with her right now.  What if we just had a disagreement and just maybe it was a little heated.  It doesn't mean that I don't love her.  But if she were to say those words at that particular moment, I may not be feeling it.  Yes, I love her, yes, she is still my BFF, AND, just because she said it first doesn't mean I have to reciprocate it.  (And just for clarification sake, I DO love my sister and using her in this blog is simply hypothetical.)

There is also the fact that those words can be used so often that they lose their meaning.  What is your motive for saying them.  Are you looking for a particular response?  Are you wanting the person you are saying them to, to say those words back to you?  If so then you are just saying them for selfish reasons.  You aren't making an exclamation of your love, you are asking a question. A question with an expected answer, one that will curb your own insecurities.  Hmmmm. . . now there's something to think about. 

There are so many ways to let a person know you love them.  Love is an emotion, a feeling.  The words "I love you" are an expression of that emotion.  Not the ONLY expression of that emotion, mind you.  There are many ways to express to someone that you love them.  Sometimes Most simply saying the words is not enough.  They have been tossed around so often for so long they have lost meaning.  People don't simply believe the statement "I Love You" if you are SHOWING that love in your actions. 

So then that presents another question.  How do you SHOW love.  I think the answer to that is different for everyone.  Some of us need attention, some need praise, some need tangible "things", others need physical touch.  For some it might just be that someone gives you a day off from house work and THEY do the housework for you. 
You "show" love (the emotion), by giving respect, mutuality, listening (really listening), complimenting, giving a gift for no special reason at all.  There are so many other ways to show someone you love them.  I think what gets me is that when you love someone you do these things without expectations.  You do them simply because you love them, because you want them to KNOW and feel without a doubt that you love them.  And in that "knowing" they will "FEEL" that you love them.  That in itself to me, is way better than just hearing the words.

Now, don't get me wrong.  It is nice to hear it.  I love it when the love of my life looks me in the eye and tells me "I Love You!"  Making it an exclamation, not a question.  That is as simple as changing the tone and pitch of your voice as you say it.  Be careful if you are an "I Love You?" person.  You may have to actually practice this a little, because it just might sound a little strained or fake at first.  And the more you stay connected to making it an exclamation without expectation, the better you will get at it.  It doesn't mean that you don't mean it, because it is hard at first.  It just means that you are retraining your mind and voice to believe that you don't have to hear it back to be okay.  You can say those words to the one you love and still know they do love you even if they don't say them in return. Everyone likes to hear them, that is true, and hopefully if you are not hearing them you still feel that love in return.  I think it is all about balance here.

It's really those insecure people that get me.  You know the ones.  That say I love you two dozen times a day, or maybe even two dozen times in a two hour period.  It's those people that suck the energy out of me.  Please don't expect me to just mirror back to you what you are saying, simply because you are afraid you are not loved.  Or maybe it's because you are not feeling you are lovable?  Who knows.  What I do know is that when I am that person saying it just to hear it back, I find myself saying it more than usual and catch myself expecting a response, it is because I'm not loving myself very much.  Or maybe just feeling a little co-dependent. ( Did I just say that out loud?  Oh my. . . .  .)  Either way, it's not very healthy.

The sweetest thing is to have a relationship that you just know.  You can look into the other person's eyes and actually see the love they have for you.  And I'm not just talking about a romantic kind of love.  A mother can look into the eyes of their child and you can just see the love pouring out over that child.  Sometimes it can be the same way in a platonic friendship situation.  I have friends that I love dearly.  I don't have to tell them 15 times a day that I love them.  I also don't have to hear it from them equally as often.  They will know I love them and I will know they love me, by the way they treat me or I treat them.  So, I guess in a sense, love is an emotion, and it's also an action. 

Love is as simple as it is complex.  There are many different kinds of love.  There are even more ways to express that love.  Find what works for you AND for the person you are expressing it to.  Learn their love language so to speak.  It will open a whole new if you can actually get and understand those 4 previous sentences. 
Think of how different the world would be if people didn't say "I Love You?" with expectation and instead said "I Love You!" as an exclamation.  

Okay, so I feel like I rambled a little in this one, but I'm posting it anyway.  I'm not even sure it came out the same way it was in my head for the past month or so that I have been pondering this.  I hope it made sense to someone, and if it didn't then I guess it was just for me to process. 
What I do know is that if I tell you I love you. . . . you better know that it came straight from the depth of my heart.  I won't say something I don't truly mean.  And I won't expect you to tell me in return.  (even though it does feel good to hear them).  What I would like more is to feel the emotions reciprocated, but only if you really have them. 

I kinda like this site.  Take a peek, answer a few quick questions.  Find out what YOUR love language is.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this as I continue to process this a little more. 

Everything is bigger when you are younger

For as long as I can remember it has been a Holiday tradition to take a drive to downtown Indianapolis and look at all the Christmas lights.  This is the Monument Circle in the heart of Indianapolis.  It has a red brick street that circles around this monument and at Christmas time the entire Circle is decorated with lights, horse drawn carriages, and an assortment of other Christmas decorations.  There are people buzzing around, shopping at the local shops, satisfying the sweet tooth at the South Bend Chocolate Factory store, warming up with a nice cup of Starbucks, or leaving the local Symphony headed to a nice dinner for two.

This has not changed at all since I was a child, except for the fact that she needs a good limestone cleaning and maybe a gentle face lift.  As we were taking in all the sites, they were just as I remembered from long ago.  However the the people looked slightly different.  I wasn't looking up at everything as I did when I was a child.  It wasn't until I stood directly under this monument that I realized. . . ."This is why everything looks so much bigger when we are younger!"  I know a silly epiphany, but it is the epiphany I had.  I have always loved being "downtown", and this day was no different (except that is was FREEZING!).

I am loving these kinds of lessons

This new hobby I have found is making me one happy girl!  I am loving exploring and looking at the world in a whole new way.  It's like everything I see has a frame around it.  What is funny is that in one day I may take 500 pictures and come home look at them all and only 10 of them are really any good at all.  That is the joys of having a digital camera! 
I have spring fever so bad I can't stand it.  I want the snow to go away, I want the gray skies to go away and I want to start seeing green leaves and beautiful flowers blooming.  I want to learn how to shoot water shots, and go to the creek and different parks around town and capture as many moments as I can.  It's like as long as they are caught on camera, they will last forever. 
And. . . in the spring I am hoping to take a class that will teach me all that I still don't know.  But for now, this is another look at what I'm looking at.

(I think you should be able to click on the pictures to see them bigger)

An amazing church in Downtown Indianapolis

The War Memorial in Downtown Indianapolis

 Christmas time at "the circle" in Downtown Indianapolis

The beloved "Cherub" that sits atop this clock only at Christmas.  I remember looking for this Cherub each year when I was a kid.  It's like it has always been there, watching over the streets of our city.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and pray you each have a safe and Happy New Year!

What'cha been up to?

Well, how nice of you to stop by!  I'm sure you've just been wondering like crazy, what in the world I've been up to.  Well. . . wonder no longer!  I have been a busy little girl, learning how my new toy works.  And I have to tell ya, I can't wait for winter to be over and spring to get here!!!

Here's why. . .

Hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas!!

If all my friends are doing it, do I have to do it to?

My heart has been heavy for a little while now.  I simply can't get my head around what is going on.  It seems all around me I am hearing the word divorce.  Friends, close family, not so close family, friends of friends, everybody is doing it. 

I have watched as people have fallen in love, just plain goofy about each other.  Their lives build together into this wonderful romantic bliss.  Then it happens!  The new wears off, they start really learning about each other.  The things that they once thought were cute are now not only not-so-cute but down right getting on their last nerve.  I hear "If he does that one more time. . .", or "I can't believe she is acting this way. . ."!  All around me peoples lives are falling apart.

*********************************************

They fell in love in high school, got married as soon as they graduated, had the first child a year later.  They built a life. . . a family.  It wasn't always great, sometimes it wasn't even good, but they worked it out.  People had to have known there were issues.  Yes, they put on a happy face and a nice front when they needed to, but those times passed and it was all good again.  Or, at least people thought it was.  As the kids grew, there was day care, jobs, church, bills. . . then there were second jobs, kids extra curricular activities, school programs, sporting events, scouts, sleep overs, church, family time, vacations, shopping, bills.  This cycle didn't seem to get better it only got worse.  As the jobs became more, the schedules became tighter, the "toys" became more expensive, the need to fill empty places with shopping became greater so did the bills. . . . so did the loneliness. . . .so did the resentment. 
Where did the love go?  Sure it was still there hidden under all that other junk that was taking up their lives, their time, their heart.  But it was too buried to find it.  To buried to pull it out and remember what brought them together in the first place. So it just sat, buried for years and years.  The showing of love became more of a "routine", a robotic motion, words just slipping out as a salutation.  It lost it's meaning somewhere along the way.
Now here they are 40 something years into what used to be a loving marriage, now separated. 

********************************************

They met and fell in love almost immediately.  They both filled a place for each other that had been empty a long time.  They partied together, they played together, they found fun in everything they did.  They dreamed, and made those dreams a reality.  They had taken some great vacations together and made so many memories, just the two of them.  They really had it going on.  They were living the life! Then one day they find themselves jobless.  Not so long after that (in the big picture) they find themselves losing their home and possessions they had worked so hard to obtain.  During all of this they are finding themselves losing each other.  The stress getting to them both.  Finding a shoulder to lean on, other than that of their spouse.  Realizing there is resentment, and mistrust.  The love is still there, if you can push all the yuckiness aside for a minute.  Make it work, forgive each other.  Then all of the sudden realizing that in forgiving you didn't forget.  Did you really forgive at all?  Back to the whose doing more than whom.  Who is carrying the load of responsibility.  Keeping score, name calling, yelling, accusations, depression, bitterness, medication, counseling, mental illness. 
It all begins to add up.  What has been sacrificed here.  How many years have been lost.  Now separated, living in two different places, splitting up what is left of what used to be a happy home.  Years and years of togetherness, not alone, afraid, sometimes excited to be starting anew. 

********************************************
Kids are grown, they raised three.  To everyone on the outside it looked as if they had it together.  A happy home, lots of friends, three kids whom also had lots of friends.  A great job, also owning a business that just justified spending time on your hobby, not so much a job.  A beautiful old house right in the heart of town.  Things are wonderful right. . . .
Not so much!  He's in rehab, on probation at his job.  Must complete rehab before he can work again.  She's running the home business, having to make excuses for him to friends and family.  He comes home, things get better, gets a new job, does some traveling.  Kids start graduating from college, marriage proposals, new homes for now adult children.  Life is back on track.  All to find that the track has been moved. 
He starts drinking again. . . .
That's when they begin living in two different places and I hear the word divorce.

I have a wonderful marriage.  Do I?  I now begin to question my own reality.  Am I doing the same things as those all around me?  Am I just covering up what is really true.  I love my wife, that I know is true.  I work a lot, she works a lot.  We are working on 19 years here.  I'm not saying it's all been peaches and cream.  It has been hard work.  Some times harder than others.  But isn't that how it is.  Marriage is work, it's not something that just happens and is amazing all the time right? 
I find myself lost in my work, not my job, but the things I do at home that are work.  Not house work, or yard work, but kinda like a second job kind of work, except I don't get paid to do it.  I'm at my desk a lot, in front of a computer a lot.  I make a conscious effort to stop what I'm doing, if not on a strict deadline, and make time for "us".  But the truth is, do I always make that effort? 
She talks all day at work, on the phone, in the office.  People need her, need her attention, need her time.  She listens all day.  Listens to people complain, cry, vent, about their life, problems, illnesses, whatever. 
By the time she gets home there is nothing left.  Then there is her second job, that she mostly does from home.  Where people need her time, her ear, and where she talks and listens. 
I look at all of this and think. . . is this leading us down a path not so unlike those of our friends and family who are losing the loves of their lives right now?  Is this how it begins?  One starts feeling less important than all of those outside obligations.  The other starts feeling lonely and neglected.
I don't want to be those people.  I love my wife with all that is in me.  I love the life we have built.  I believe we have a firm foundation.  Do we hit a rocky road now and then, of course. . . who doesn't.  We have always been able to find out way out.  Our way back to each other, the ones that matter the most at the end of the day.

I can't help but have a slight tinge of fear as I watch the lives of people around me that I know and love fall apart.  I try to take it all in, remembering and evaluating each thing that could have gone wrong in those relationships.  Not wanting it to go wrong in mine.  Trying to make mine more stable, to ensure it can withstand any storm that passes.  Because they will pass.  They will come and they will pass. 
I truly believe in my marriage our love.  I will not allow the fear to linger.  I will take pride in the life we have created.  I will love a little more and a little longer.  And I will pray, pray that my heart will make it through the pain of watching my family and friends as they find their new lives. 

I love you Honey!  (and this really isn't about us. . . .this is about what is happening all around us!)

Winter Wonderland

Our first snow accumulation happened this weekend!  I have to say I am not a huge fan of cold weather.  I would much rather live somewhere warmer. . . anywhere warmer really!

I recently got a new camera that I have no clue how to use been practicing using for a few weeks now. I have to admit that most of these pictures are not very good.  I need a lot more practice and maybe a lesson or two on photoshop so I can at least make them look like I know what I'm doing.

In reality, I have kinda fallen in love with this photography thing.  And I do believe my sister and I will be checking into some photography classes in the spring.  I really want to learn more and make what I see in my head show up in my camera lens and then show up on my computer. Is that even possible?

So here is a glimpse of Indiana's first snow of 2010.

 I really need to work on water pictures.  They were all a little over exposed.  But the waterfall itself was pretty pretty with all the snow around it.

 My Wendy girl sure does love to play in the snow!

 I kinda like the ice pictures too.  This was hanging off of shrub in our front yard.

Hope everyone is enjoying their winter and keeping warm!

Since It's Not ALL About Me. . .

Hello. . . My name is Amy and it's been 10 months and 14 days since my last post. . .

THERE! Now that we got that out of the way. . . do I need to go through the list of excuses reasons that have caused me to be negligent with my blogging?  Well, I don't really have any.  I guess I could say I was just being lazy, or maybe because I got in a rut and thought I didn't really have anything very interesting say.  Just so you know, I haven't completely left the face of the earth, there were a few people I would stroll in on unannounced and unnoticed and read a little, just to keep up with mind you.  However, the unnoticed part would be my own fault for not announcing myself or leaving a comment or anything.  I think this is where I am supposed to say that I will do better. . . I will make a New Year's resolution to be a better blogger, I will make an appointment with my computer and blogging buddies daily and devote at least X amount of time to writing typing my thoughts out on this big screen in front of me and then hit that nice orange publish button so the rest of the world can know what is going through my head.  Hmmm. . .I don't think that is gonna happen, ya know the "I'm gonna do better part".  I'm not making any promises like that again.  I think I have done that so many times, then I fall off the wagon, neglect my blogging duties, and get so involved in my own life that I don't even check in this blogging world.  I'm not saying life is all about me, but really?  I think there are a couple of people that might tell you that it's always sometimes it IS all about me.  I have been told I'm a brat like that.
If I were to be completely honest (which I always am!) I would have to say that I do kinda like it when it is about me, but not always!  It does get old, especially when there really isn't anything intersting to discuss.  I mean really?  If it were ALL about me, we'd have to be talking about how I work 12 hour night shifts at a hospital.  Where I love my job and feel like it is more of a ministry than a job.  Where I love to take care of people.  And how sometimes, I don't even get grossed out by many of the things that travel home with me on my uniforms (that go directly into the wash on those particular days!).  And how most nights, I don't mind that demented old folks wake up in the middle of the night and will think they are at home, and will yell at me and hit me when I try to remind them they are at the hospital.  If it were ALL about me, we'd have to talk about how on my days off I am usually loading pictures of church events, editing/uploading audio files of various ministers preaching, and keeping up to date documents on a website that I manage.  And how after editing the audio files, I could recite every sermon I have heard in the past year!!!  That's a lot of Jesus, right there! If it were ALL about me, we would have to talk about all the drama that is surrounding me right now.  Even though it is not MY drama (does that still make it about me?) it is close enough to me that it feels like it overflows into my space an awful lot.
But really. . . . I don't want to talk about me!  I just want you to know that I will do my best to be back, and pay attention, read, post, and comment.

But since it's NOT all about me. . . I'm not making any promises!

I did miss you all and your funny stories (don't tell anyone though, I wouldn't want anyone to think it's ALL about them)!