Wasted and Guilty

My mind has been swarming lately.  Swarming about ways to simplify.  Simply what?  Well, it seems that it started with just my schedule, slowing down a bit.  Then it escalated to the pantry, the spare bedroom, the office and the garage, and eventually the house.  Now it is my whole life. 

Much of me doesn't even really fully understand this.  It is kind of overwhelming and yet I can't get it out of my head.  It has been there for some time, just sitting dormant in the corners waiting for someone to pay attention.  Ya know, those thoughts you have that kinda make you feel a little uncomfortable?  The ones you just push aside for the time, thinking they will eventually get bored without the attention and just vanish, into thin air, like there were never really there to begin with.

It began one day when I was in a self examination of life mood.  Why did I get into that mood, I have no idea.  I don't have time for self examination!  If I really think about it, there is too much I want/need to change, yet no motivation, energy, mojo (whatever it is) to make that change happen.  It's much easier to remain in the place I'm in, that I've always been in and just let life pass me by, contributing to it from time to time, but more or less, just being a passenger on this ride.

I look around our home, our lives and realize how blessed we are.  We are blessed beyond measure.  We have a nice home, we have two cars, we have two dogs, we have all the clothes we need and then some, we have food in our pantry and in our fridge.  We have central air, and then heat in the winter.  With just a turn of a knob we have all the water we could ever want.  We have our jobs, which give us the money to continue to have all these things we need and want.  So what's my problem?

I'm starting to feel like I don't want all of this!  It's like I've been selfish about obtaining all these "things".  I HAD to have this house!  I HAD to prove that I/we could do it, you know purchase a house and make the payments and be all grown up and such.  And then with the house it just becomes out of control.  I HAD to have all the "things" that go in the house.  And, it just starts a vicious cycle.

All of these things are so material, they don't last forever.  There are only here for a moment really.  And do I need them?  Not really.  Need by definition is: " A condition or situation in which something is required".  So is anything I have necessarily required?  So I began to break it down, and really there is not much that I have that is actually required.

All of this is making me feel very ungrateful and wasteful.  We live in a 4 bedroom 2 1/2 bath home.  There is only two of us and two dogs.  What in the world do we need all this space for?  Yes, I know. . .we do entertain and have guests.  This gives them a nice comfy place to land when visiting us.  Is that required?  Ummm. . . not really!  So there is probably over 1000 sq.ft. of wasteedness (is that a word?) sitting right here around me full of furniture (not being used) and causing me to heat and cool all that space. 

We go and buy groceries.  Have any of you ever thought about how much food is wasted by a single family?  OMG!  We could probably feed a small country, ok. . . maybe not a small country, but certainly we have wasted more than enough to at least feed another family or two. 

Then I have to look at the fact that because, several years ago, I felt that I HAD TO HAVE all of these things. I now HAVE to work to continue to pay for all of these things.  Which leaves me having this feeling of being stuck!  I don't do "stuck" well.  It makes me restless, makes me somewhat irrational, makes me want to run and just keep running. . . kinda like Forrest.

So, on a daily basis, there is this small part of my brain that takes over. It's sitting there I can see the little brain people setting up office in my head.  Computer out, 10 key calculator on the desk, multiple spreadsheets. . . plotting away.  Plotting how my life can be different.  How I can sell this house, get out of that stinking mortgage, sell all of the contents in my home, and hit the road.  Yep that's what I want to do.  Is it rational?  Probably not.

I want to be simple.  Give me a camper, a large one mind you cause I need my space, or an RV (WOW, not with these gas prices!).  Or just my car, or one a little more reliable, I'm not really attached. Give me the clothes I NEED.  Enough to get me through, a few pairs of shoes and enough money (hopefully what I'd make from selling all my earthly possession) to hit the road.  Yep, travel.  No plan really just get packed up, hit the road and decide where I'm going once I get there. 

There is really no rational way of thinking this through.  None of it makes sense. I have to work!  I NEED to work.  Ah, but yes, I'm a nurse.  I can get one of those travel nursing jobs.  Me and PS can just pack it up and go!  Still. . . is this rational?  Am I running from something or running to something? 

I don't know the answer to that.  All I know is that I have these overwhelming feelings of guilt.  Guilt for all that I have that I have believed I NEEDED while there are so many who don't even have food enough for one meal today.  Who have open wounds on their feet because they have no shoes, while I have 15 pairs of shoes, mostly that I don't wear sitting in my closet right now.  And I have a refrigerator that needs cleaning out because there is old food that has gone bad.  Why because we have chosen to eat out or do something different instead of fixing what was fresh in the fridge while it was still good. 

I guess I'm airing some dirty laundry here, but I have to let this out somewhere.  I know many people will have no clue where I'm coming from.  And think I'm totally crazy.  And that's ok.  And I also know that I have no attachment (other than my son) to where I am now.  This state that I live in, this city I've lived in my whole life, this house that we built for our family, my job. . . . all of it can be taken away from me in the blink of an eye.  And all of that is material.  I want something deeper.  I want to be able to know in my heart that I don't NEED these things. 

I need air, I need water, I need food (though, some might disagree), I need shelter, I need sunshine, I need love, I need affection, I need companionship, I need my family.  Beyond that. . . I'm not sure that I honestly NEED all those other things. 

So. . . what am I gonna do about all of this?  I HAVE NO FREAKIN' CLUE!!  Why do you think I'm blogging about it? 
Give me your thoughts, leave a comment, shoot me an email.  Tell me I'm crazy. . . I don't care.  Just tell me something that will make sense!